did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
