You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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