Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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