So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
