I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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