if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
