and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
