Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
