Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
