we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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