i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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