My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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