I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
