Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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