i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
