Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So many bounce houses so little time
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We talked him into tasing himself.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
