I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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