she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
