Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
