You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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