Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
