I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He passed out mid-signature
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
