I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
