my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I want to be your penis for a week.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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