Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
