My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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