I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
