Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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