There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
