I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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