u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
