apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
