I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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