i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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