how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
