and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
