just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
