i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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