Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
