I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
