i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
