I met the friendliest cop last night
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
