I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think I have vodka in my lungs
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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