Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
