you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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