someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
