I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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