just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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