i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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