Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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