yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
